The Joy of Science

2003-07-01 - 1:24 p.m.

Ok, I just love scientists. I got this in my email today from a scientist coworker of mine overseas:

In an attempt to help you prepare your next BSE/vCJD News Highlights, I checked whether there was anything on BSE in the highly reputable Journal of the Science of Food and Agriculture and came upon the following article: Granito, M., Champ, M., Guerra, M., and Frias, J. Effect of natural and controlled fermentation on flatus-producing compounds of beans (Phaseolus vulgaris). J. Sci. Food Agric. 83: 1004-1009 (online: 2003). The article reports a highly rigorous scientific study about the biochemical mechanisms underlying a process we all know and have experienced, i.e., the ability of beans to produce flatulence. Worse, it explores ways to inhibit this process.

Having read the article, allow me to give you my take on it. I have been a consumer of Phaseoli vulgari for most of my life, and as someone who has experienced both natural and controlled fermentation, I can affirm that the results and conclusions of this study are worth no more than the gaseous emissions they seek to eliminate. I wouldn't want to live in a world with beans without flatulence. And how appallingly presumptuous of the authors to think they can reduce a work of art such as a fully expelled, sonorous, aromatic and - this is most important - well-timed fart to some molecular biochemical entities called "flatulence-producer factors (FPFs)." Next thing they'll be forcing Campbell's to communicate FPF concentrations on every can of beans. Pretty soon we'll be having Lo-Fart this and Lo-Fart that. This is where I draw the line! Sodomy within the privacy of the home? OK! Same-sex marriages? Why not? Affirmative action? What the hell? Fudging intelligence on weapons of mass destruction? I can live with it. But beans without flatulence?!? Well, as Mel Brooks once said, "If you ain't got flatus, you ain't got status."

Hope this was helpful,

[name withheld to protect the flatulent]

P.S. One other thing, it's not clear to me just how the investigators measure gas production in human subjects. Do you think they light a match and observe the size of the flame?

- - -

After a great deal of laughter (and admiration) I realized I'd better put in some special menu requests for our next dinner meeting unless we're all prepared for some experimental after-dinner music.

�

Pretend it's 10th grade. Leave me a note.

previous - next

�